Monday, September 1, 2008

New Beginnings and Old Demons

Well, I'm back online. Let me clarify - I'm back online with a computer that I don't have to wrestle away from teenagers.  I'm getting ready to leave in a couple of hours for Boston, to restart my old job.  My feelings are mixed - I cannot wait to get started with the job - even though I know it can be overwhelming and full of pressure - I just really feel my best with this type of work and to get paid to research, write and express my opinion? Well, for me it's a good fit. I had to leave it for a while to realize that.  We all laugh about nerd revenge - that is what this job is - nerd revenge. It's fun working with the smartest people you know.  I set up my old office and for being in a lousy basement, it doesn't look so bad.  There's a Brady Bunch rec room feel to it.

I spent most of August absolutely alone.  Some of it by choice.  I got to play more golf in the last three weeks than I have in the last two years.  I needed it. Golf is therapeutic for me, believe it or not.  I may be only an average golfer, but when I do connect - it's wonderful.  My kids were off to finish various vacations and they are gone today.  I spent a lot of time with myself.   Because Mom is still in nursing home, I barely cooked, ate at my local golf club most nights - which meant I spent too much and drank a little too much. Not too much in a sitting, but more frequently than I normally would.  With job starting in 24 hours, that has been put away as part of vacation lore. 

I willingly shunned social activity - a couple of close friends who forced me to come over to their houses (and for that I am grateful) even when I hemmed and hawed.  If you weren't in front of my face, you weren't going to see me. It took a hammer hit to the head to make me notice anything and I thank the few who physically came and got me and made me hang out - it was wonderful and I needed it.   Was I contemplating my future? No - well, not really.  Was I slowing down to read the teetering stack of books on my night stand?  Not really - although I did get through David Sedaris' latest and found it not as good as earlier work. Read Jen Lancaster's  Such a Pretty Fat, which made me go the gym for a week.  I spent more time with my kids, wandering through Philadelphia, going to farmer's market and going to the movies.  I spent most of my time filing for Medicaid and was happy to  see some of my old organizational ability has returned because it took me a week when it takes most people months to get it together. Mostly, I just was there, in the moment, whether I liked it or not.

I wish I could say that I emerged from the cocoon of depression that has been around me for the last couple of years.  I don't think I've broken totally free - not just yet, but I think the cocoon is cracked open because I may see slivers of light.  It could be just me doing a better job of coming to terms with the realities of my life and letting go of what I thought I wanted.  I got handed a full plate and not with the pretty food I wanted.  I'm sure my actions had much to do with what landed on my plate.  I have come to terms with the understanding that it's ME who has to add the seasonings and spice to make it palatable. I don't have to love it - but the force above (God, Yahweh, the Lady in the Moon, whoever) handed it to me because I need that sustenance to get through.  I need a way to figure out how not just to get by but to live.  That's the demon that still has its claws dug firmly into my shoulders.  

1 comment:

Maggie, Dammit said...

Welcome back!

(and if I knew how to get those claws out I would tell you, I swear I would.)