Anyone still there?

Yes, I fell off the face of the earth - fell flat on my face a few times (literally)...fell into traveling way too much (mucho mileage), fell out of a relationship and trying to manage a few kick you in the gut health issues, so I just went MIA...testing to see if I want to come back. There is much changing in my life, and wondering if this outlet is still pertinent for me.

Never First to the Table…..

What are your harmless obsessions?  I have so many, I wonder if it’s possible to count them.  If if it’s something I want on a regular basis, I count it as an obsession.  If I’m the only one that is affected by it, then to me, it’s harmless.  Today, I indulged in a few. I’ve been slaving over a white paper and while I know what I want to say, getting it out has been akin to having teeth pulled without Novocain.   When that is the case, I do indulge.  Now, in the past, the indulgence would have including a chicken wing or 10, but I’m trying not to go down that route.   Today, it’s much more mundane and just a wee bit healthier, but definitely not cooler.  

I was at the epitome of cool when I shut down on television.  Seriously,  I had the toys, but the only TV I watched were old movies – I had TCM, Retroplex and Netflix on speed channel selection and web selection.  Other than perhaps MSNBC or looking for school closings, the only current TV I watched was the Daily Show with the kids.  

Then…my downfall. I spent the the Thanksgiving holiday with my big sister and in the process got HOOKED on NCIS…..a show that I laughed at before. Now – I can’t stay away.   I love this show – watch the reruns and won’t move on a Tuesday night.   I wish I had done this when the thing first came on, so that I could be over it by now.     The only really unhealthy thing that still accompanies this is that I really like a Gimlet while I watch it…..

And the beat goes on……

I received a Wii and a WiiFitPlus for Christmas.  I have been diligently doing my 30 minutes plus each day (except for the days that I haven’t been home).  It’s fun, but boy, there are few things that drive me crazy:

 

1. The scale is way off – while I love what it says, it’s about five pounds lighter than my hi-tech bathroom scale (which is still in shock from being stepped on for the first time in oh, A YEAR).

2. The awful “ooooh” or grunting noise that it makes when you step on it. Yeah, that’s really motivating. 

3. You can build a program with yoga and strength but not with aerobics, what’s with that??

4. I am so white that even the Wii disparages my lack of rhythm.

 

Are you having a love/hate relationship with your Wii?

Knock…..knock…..anyone still here?

As 2009 closed and 2010 slid into place, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to do in the new year.  Now that Mom has passed away, I can finally take more time for me.  So, instead of resolutions that are only going to be ignored or broken, I started to make a list of things that I wanted to do for myself this year.  Apart from the obvious – drop XX pounds (which I am FINALLY going to address this year), and be a better analyst, I have decided to focus more on what gives me a sense of self:

1. Getting the house finished – new stove, new entry and floors, refinish the old floors and as much bathroom redo as I am willing to fund – and to do more of it myself, not just open my pocketbook.

2. Getting back into what I love to do outdoors, mainly, golf and gardening. I’d also like to add photography to that list.

3. Biking – not long haul stuff, but just not going for the car as the first mode of travel for a quick trip to the store.

4. Relationship stuff – mainly get my head out of my ass and be more social.

5. Blog.  I miss it and really want to get back to writing for the sake of writing again.  I’ve been reading Michael Palin’s first edition of his diaries and it sparked memories of what I loved about journaling.

I don’t know if anyone still reads this blog, I suspect they don’t, but I have decided that it’s time to start writing again.  If you’re there, thank you for being patient. If I’m only writing for myself, well, that’s okay too.  This I’m doing for me.

Insomnia....What a Bitch

What is it with insomnia?  All I know is that it tends to run in my family - on the female side of the family.   We could motor along all day, get bone tired, but as soon as we're prone in the bed, BAM, we're wide awake.  I just don't get it.   I had a quiet Friday night,  hadn't been feeling too well, so I was looking forward to watching some bad TV - yes, I wanted to watch "17 Again" without my 15 year old making fun of my cougarish crush on Zac Efron (it's a car crash, what can I say?).  I snuggled onto the couch with a comfy pillow and a cozy throw, cougared to my hearts content and felt good and sleepy by the end of the flick.   I made my way up to my bedroom:

• Extremely comfy bed with crisp pink sheets and soft white coverlet - CHECK
• Neck pillow that looks weird, but keeps me from waking up with a crick in my neck - CHECK
• Icky new age music that is guaranteed to knock me out - CHECK
• Small furry cat that does the happy dance whenever he thinks I'm going up to bed now - CHECK
• Ceiling fan on to make lovely cool breeze over me - CHECK
• Two "simply sleep" caps to act as a sledgehammer to one's head - CHECK

Outcome?  Two hours of tossing and turning that was so bad that the cat was swatting me to keep still.  I gave up, went downstairs, tried to reenact the cozy couch snuggle - no good.  I felt "dry".  I got up, applied body oil to my entire body and tried again. No dice.  Walked around the house and cried a little - all that did was make me feel stupid, so I found "Immortal Beloved" on ON Demand and watched that...I think Beethoven did the trick because, then, as the light began to peek between the blinds on my sunroom, I drifted off...only to be woken up by some religious zealot knocking on the door wanting to save me at 9:30AM.  Swinging open the door, snarling and  looking like the ugly Medusa sister -  she reeled back, scattering fire and brimstone pamphlets all over my front porch and took off muttering what had to be some either sort of prayer or some sort of curse about why SHE was the one to get all the wackos..... I trudged off to inject caffeine (okay, make a pot of French Press) and try to get started on what is already a waste of a day. I know that come three o'clock in the afternoon I'll drop like a stone and repeat said incident minus Zac Efron and crazy religious zealot (or maybe she'll come back with reinforcements).... Insomnia....what a bitch. 

Weekend Wrap Up

I helped to stimulate the economy, support artists and local artisans and Meryl Streep, not that she needs it from me.    Saturday, R and I wandered through the Collingswood Arts Festival.  We bought some soaps and essential oils, some great photographs, including this one by Dan Westfall:

Apennine mountain god, Florence Italy

I also bought R some stuff by Ann-Made Art who makes recycled jewelry - a portion of the sale goes to The Alliance For Climate Protection. She got:

and a really cute necklace that unfortunately is not on the website. 

After a quick dinner at home, we went to the movies to see Julie/Julia.   Meryl was simply fantastic.  She chewed the scenery unmercifully, but it was perfect for the part.  R and I laughed out loud through most of it..if she doesn't get a nomination, there is no justice in Hollywood. 

On Sunday, the kids were sick of me (after breakfast at the diner), so I took off for the Garden State Wine Growers Association's Jersey Fresh wine festival - over 20 vineyards and good food.  I talked with my old boss at Amalthea Cellars (I had taken a sabbatical) about going back on a reduced schedule so that I can balance everything.   I forgot how much I missed pouring tastings for customers and doing food pairings.  It was 92 degrees and humid as hell....it made for everyone to be slightly loopy and happy...happy enough to buy a case of wine that I didn't need! *lol*

I crashed like a  rock Sunday night..needless to say.

Signs of Life.....

I haven't shut down the blog.  Life just got too overwhelming - rather one life going away got too overwhelming and posting became secondary.   My mom passed away.  She had been declining for some time and yes, there were times when we all wished it would just happen THEN and THERE, but when the time came - she made the decision and went out on her own terms.  My mom was a fighter - anyone who knew her could attest to that.  She took all the considerable crap life through at her and managed through.  She would drive her daughters crazy with her narcissistic side (because she could), but to everyone else, she was life itself, warm, caring, thoughtful and funny....the thoughtful and funny she showed to us many, many times.  Because of her, I became a much stronger woman than she thought she was.  Because of her, my daughter is a confident, lovely, well spoken and caring young woman, because to my mom, she was the sun and moon and stars. 

When it was apparent that Mom was not going pull through this latest bout (broken pelvis and another stroke - girls, take your calcium, I have seen what osteoporosis can do to a woman), the thought of having no control over her body was enough.  My mother made the decision to stop her dialysis and let nature take its course.  That was the hardest thing  to watch and yet it was the most courageous thing I had ever seen.  She looked up and said, "I'm not a chicken, I'm not a chicken" to which the nurse sitting with her began to cry and told her that she was the bravest person on that floor (ICU), she was one of the bravest women she had every met.  My mom had that effect on people.  

During Mom's stay at hospice, the staff was wonderful, they loved her, and most importantly, friends and family, some of whom she had not seen in 10 years came to see her - she was surrounded by love and she died peacefully, and in my arms.

When it came time for the service - Mom requested no service and a simple cremation.  We could not obey the no service part. We knew that she requested that because she thought no one would care enough to come.  She was wrong.  People came and it was a celebration of her life and her love for everyone in that room.  We told stories and laughed and cried.  It was beautiful.  Back at the house, people stayed and stayed.  We all knew there was something special there...and no one was quite ready to let her go.

In the month since that time, we've slowly been distributing her things to people who needed them, she would have wanted it that way.  Everyone was so wonderful and appreciative and I can never thank anyone enough - it brought a distant family back together. I can never thank her enough for what see gave me.  I love you, Mom. I never said it enough, but I will say it more now and continue to say it for the rest of my life.

 

Mom and Rachel at Mom's 80th Birthday Party

 

More regular posts to follow...I promise - for anyone who is still reading this blog....